I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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