turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
They have beer where we have blood.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
