I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We're too hungover to prance.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
