he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
