i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
