How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's never too late to be topless.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
