good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
