when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
