WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
