This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
