Redeem this text for a blowjob
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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