you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Randomize
