I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
