Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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