i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Everything about him screamed your future.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
