My sheets look like a crime scene.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
