i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
