Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
