he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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