just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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