he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
He has the fingertips of a God
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