I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
