i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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