I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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