I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He's on the porch naked. Help.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
