Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he was CRYING into my vagina
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
