Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
