theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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