Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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