i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
