when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
