You made me cry and you don't even care
my phone needs a breathalizer
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
