Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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