i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
