Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i now understand why vodka
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
