This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
