if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
