my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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