My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
