His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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