please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
