Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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