some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
