he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
