probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
