my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
