I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
