I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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