I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
