i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Randomize
